This was a video I sent to you of me, tired, dirty, and on my way back from my camping trip to the hot springs in Montana. You really wanted to see me before I left, and came over after work, still in your scrubs. I had never seen your hair tied back before, i thought it looked so cute. I remember as I was on my way to Montana, you sent me a text saying, “come back”. I was only going to be gone for the weekend.

The anticipation to get back to you even among the beautiful scenery, the mountains, the river, and the silence.. told me that I was ready to see where things would go with you. You, were unlike anything I had ever surrounded myself with, made of pure salt and vinegar (I know you hate vinegar, which is ironic). Your attitude was always present, always ready for a fight or a tease, a real brat. But I fucking loved it. We rarely liked the same things, the same tastes, texture, sounds. I loved it. You were so opposite, yet so relatable. I loved the way you’d pull me closer when you felt me getting up off the couch or out of bed, the way you’d give me a peck on the lips when we were through making out, the way you’d sometimes massage my hands because you knew they were always hurting.

I thought you were so beautiful, so gorgeous. But I didn’t like the way you never accepted my compliments, it made me so sad. I don’t think you ever said thank you to a single one to be honest. Your beauty lied beyond your dark wavy hair and dark,dark eyes, almost as dark as mine. Your beauty was like listening to music for the first time. You were so bold and new to me with your wild, wide personality. Your unrelenting wit, and ability to articulate yourself eventhough it was hard for you sometimes. I thought you were beautiful even after hearing about your heartbreaks and your trauma, maybe even made you more astounding. I knew you were still working through things, but I was invested in knowing you better so I wasn’t scared away.

I didn’t like the way you spat water in my face that I tried to give you because you were too drunk and needed me to come pick you up. I didn’t like the way you asked for her while I was taking your boots off and tucking you into bed, my shirt still wet. The next day I opened up the conversation about things between you and her and you told me the whole story. I appreciated your honesty and our ability to make peace and move forward. I didn’t like the way that I could feel you sneaking parts of her away from me. But I was still there.

I remember when you asked me to paint your piano and I felt so honored because the thought of altering someone’s instrument was a lot of pressure. I came over with my supplies in tow, I started with your bench because it felt safe. I’d take breaks to let my hands rest and let paint dry and I’d kiss you where you laid on that awful green carpet. I loved your livingroom and watching you strum your guitar and sing with that voice that wasn’t your true singing voice because you were too nervous to let me hear the real thing. It made me feel as though you were humble, rather than afraid.

I didn’t like the way you never wanted to have me on your social media and seemed to make an effort to make sure that I wasn’t in the frames that got posted. Eventhough I was always there.

I was so proud of you for coming out to your father. And I hope you know that you are more than just a novelty, but rather a gift to him. He’s lucky to have you as a daughter.

I remember the first time you kissed me.

I don’t like to remember the night you got so drunk and you asked me to be your girlfriend but when you arrived to my house you said a lot of mean things to me and left, flipping me off. I still don’t know what I did to deserve that. I was so confused.

I had so much fun with you throwing the baseball at the park. You can really throw, even farther than me. Your obsession with the Dodgers was so pure and I loved watching you get so invested. I checked the score of every game in real time. It’s too bad they lost the World Series, I really wanted to celebrate that with you.

I brought you sunflowers when you were accepted to the art show. But you cut my exchange of celebration short because you had to go deal with an issue with her. I saw her pull up to your house in my rearview mirror as I was leaving.

We were so different growing up, you were ruling your own world, getting into trouble, and too smart for your own good. I was so scared of doing bad things, and didn’t drink a lick of alcohol until I was 20 years old, but you were already a veteran of all things rebellious.

I loved the way you looked when you first woke up. Like you were a child alseep and aged twenty years every morning as the sun came up.

I loved the way you’d tell me that your friends thought I was great and were always asking where I was. That really made me feel special. I wonder what they all think now.

Your dog is the cutest.

I loved the way you were so grown. Carried yourself so well. Excelled at your job and always looked forward. Your ambition was a huge turn on. I hope you never give that up for anyone.

I hated the way she would pop up everytime I felt myself getting closer to you. Almost as an ominous sign that I should keep my distance. I always ended up ignoring it.

I wish I still had your body heat under my sheets for the winter, I could have saved a lot on my electric bill.

I loved the way you’d wear my clothes, they were always so big on you.

I still find your hairs in random places all over my apartment, each one makes me sad. I loved the way your hair smelled always and your love of showers. Your meditation.

I loved the feeling of waking up to you and then parting ways to go to work in the morning, my days after spending time with you were always so much lighter and happier.

I didn’t like the ways that you were unattentive at times or when you weren’t listening to me. You know I don’t like to have to repeat myself.

I struggled with the ways that you were so hard to impress.

I struggled with the ways that you could be so selfish. …You told me that it would take a long time for you to not be selfish, and that you had done so much for others only for it to be wasted and I really realated to that.

I was uncomfortable that you still had Tinder on your phone after three months of being with me. But I would never bring that up.

I loved how I could detect changes in your annunciation of words and the slur of your lips when you were feeling comfortable, or drunk.

I felt special when you gave me a crystal that you had dug up from the ground.

I was happy to rub your leg in tiger balm when you had fallen between the docks. That was the gnarliest bruise I’d ever seen. You’re so accident prone.

I didn’t like how our sexual intimacy was a one way street.

I loved getting to know your roommate, She really grew on me. Even her dog.

I hated how you’d always say, “what?” When I was looking at you. I just really liked to admire you.

I loved the bond between you and your mother.

Your snoring was like a tiger purr. It annoyed me at first but then became a soothing white noise to fall asleep to. You were such a sleepy person. Always ready to nap any time, any place. The cutest sleeper I’ve ever seen.

I always wondered why you wanted to see my tongue.

I loved the day you were reading out loud to me. That’s one of my favorite things, and your voice is like butter

One of my favorite times we spent together was when we took a bath in my tub. I didn’t think we would fit, but it was so nice. I’m gonna miss washing your hair.

Why did you always ask me to marry you? To have my babies? I hope you’re more careful with your words in the future.

That day we spent in Tacoma together was perfect. I felt like what we had was real.

I loved sitting in the kitchen with you while you cooked.

I had a feeling you’d never care for me the way you did about her. I should have run.

To be continued…